Mary was holding me
I usually have this "all in or nothing at all" mentality when it come to certain things. If I can't do something properly, I won't do it at all. And sure, there are times when that mentality might be fruitful...but when it came to the rosary it became a wedge and not a fruit.
In one of my older blogs I shared how I always struggled with the rosary. There would be times when I would be very persistent with it being a daily devotion, but recently this has not been the case. Many times I would rather say any other prayer....except the rosary.
I started listening to more talks and reading more about it which brought this new found admiration for the rosary and understanding in its deep strength for the spiritual life. But now a second problem arose...my "all in or nothing at all" mentality.
Basically...If I couldn't pray the rosary well, meditate on the mysteries and be fully present in that moment I just wouldn't pray it at all. I wanted to give Mary the best...not a half alert rosary. And yes we do want to give our best self when we pray, but taking this approach was still not bringing me fruits.
I was talking with my Spiritual Director about this and he told me, "Sandra, the worst rosary is the one that doesn't get prayed at all."
... (my Spiritual Director always know what to say that hits home!)
He was right. Yes I should be striving to be fully present during my rosary and try to meditate on the mysteries, but even if that isn't perfect the graces I receive by saying the rosary are still there!
One night I was getting ready for bed and I realized that I hadn't said my rosary for the day yet. I told myself I wasn't going to miss a day anymore so I grabbed my rosary and started to pray as I lay in bed. Did I doze off halfway?? YUP! But when I stirred awake to finish my final decades I had this thought of a mother holding her baby as she is rocking it to sleep. Admiring the utter peace in her child's face.
In that moment, Mary was holding me and slowly rocking me back and forth, watching as this calm and peace fell over me. The next day I still tried to say my rosary at a time when I was not half asleep, but at the same time I was thankful for the experience I had that previous night. I didn't feel it was a "wasted rosary" simply because I was in and out of sleep. I was still there, held by Mary, her precious daughter in her arms.