Today is Holy Thursday. Does that mean anything to me? Sure I can tell you the story of the last supper, and that it’s very important for Catholics, but what does it say to my heart? How does it impact my life? Does it impact my life at all? Praise God for having me write today’s post because for the first time, I reflected on these very questions. Whether or not I acknowledge it, today does impact my life.
I sat with my bible the other day, reading through John 13: 1-15, the washing of the feet. There were many great teachings in that verse, such as Jesus’ complete trust and acceptance of His Father’s will (John 13:1), Jesus’ full understanding of who He is (John 13: 3), the reminder that things will one day make sense even though things are chaotic now(John 13: 7), and the emphasis on living in honesty and receiving regular reconciliation (John 1: 10).
What really spoke most to my heart however, is the theme of being unable to receive.
I easily place myself in the shoes of Peter, who initially would not allow Jesus to wash His feet saying, “never at any time will you wash my feet”. This is parallel to my life: Jesus wants to give and I am not open to receiving. I doubt that He will truly fulfil the deepest desires of my heart, so I turn to humans and the rest of the world, which are not meant to fulfil those desires. In essence I come up empty handed because I find it so hard to trust.
I often ask God “Where are you?”... Tomorrow He will look down at me from the cross and answer “I am right here, loving You. Please accept it.” As I write these words I tear, He’s here. He really is.
I found a beautiful prayer on doubt and unbelief and I would love to share it with you, sisters:
“Lord, forgive me for not believing that your truth permeates every single layer of my life. Fan my tiny smoldering little spark of faith into a burning and consuming fire that will bring you glory and drive out darkness. But don’t ever let me think it is strong enough or that I have any hope of stoking it and keeping it alive apart from you. I believe; help my unbelief!” (1)
Questioning is okay, questioning can even be good if it is the reason that we seek Him more. Let’s seek Him together through prayer, vulnerability and surrender. If we haven’t already let’s take the time to reflect on what happens today and what is about to happen... what does it mean for YOUR life? Not for our faith, for your family, or for our community, for YOU.