God speaks with peace
In the past few weeks, I had a thought that truly terrified me and caused severe anxiety within me.
What was this thought?
Believe it or not, it was the idea of being called to religious life.
Growing up, I was always surrounded with religious life. My aunt is a religious sister and works as a missionary in Africa. Her life has always captivated me. I also remember times when my mom and I would be cleaning a convent and I would hear them praying through the divider and I always thought how beautiful religious life was. But yet I felt like it wasn't something that was meant for me.
Instead, ever since I was a little girl, I have had the strong desire to be a wife and mother.
Recently, while I was saying a novena for my future spouse though, a thought came to my mind, seemingly out of nowhere. What if I am to be a religious sister?
As soon as this thought came to my mind, I experienced severe anxiety, confusion, pressure, and even anger. It took away my peace. I had already discerned religious life and felt like I had gotten my confirmation from the Lord. Yet, I felt fear at this thought. This thought came with a voice, one that told me that if I didn't do this then I wouldn't be listening to God and that I didn't love Him.
The thought of perhaps not being called to being a wife or mother broke my heart. It also robbed me of my peace and filled me with this sense of urgency that I needed to make a decision in that exact moment. That I had to drop everything and do this right away.
I didn't know what to do. And so, I met with a spiritual director who would be able to help me make some sense of this.
I am blessed with a wonderful spiritual director. He listened to me carefully and without hesitation, told me I needed to let go of this thought right now. He told me that the spirit of the Lord is never forceful. Instead, He is gentle especially when it comes to decisions regarding our vocation and would never force us to make a decision right now.
When we are in a 'spiritual sadness' also called desolation, the evil spirit takes advantage of those moments and starts to work hard to take us away from God's true call for our lives. This evil spirit is the one who tries to fill us with anxiety and fear; two things that are never from God. Sometimes Satan will also try to sway you away from your vocation because in that vocation you will make a greater impact.
Hearing this, I couldn't help but let out a sigh of relief. I left my meeting with my spiritual director feeling encouraged and took this to prayer. I asked the Lord to guide me and show me the way. And He definitely has.
I was writing in my spiritual journal the other day and when I finished I opened to one of my previous prayers, read it and then I turned the page. What I found was the letter that I had written years ago to the Lord describing the type of man that I hoped God would send me. I prayed for a man of faith that would lead me to God, a kind man that has a loving heart and isn't afraid of helping others. And I prayed for so many other Godly qualities.
My sisters, God will always answer us. If we are confused about something, we just have to ask Him. When it's the right answer, our hearts will be filled with peace and contentment.
The reason I wanted to share this with you today is to remind you that God is a loving and gentle God. When He confirmed in my heart my vocation, it came with overwhelming peace that only the Lord can provide. And so, may you also always know that the Lord will never rush you, He will never push you to do something that is not good for your soul.
My sisters, if you have not yet discerned your vocation or what you feel that God is calling you to do, make sure you take the time to allow God to speak in your life. He will give you an answer that will satisfy the deepest longing of your heart.
In Christ, Diana