God only knows
My dearest women,
Today I am numb, yet at the same time I feel tears waiting to surface at any point. I have reached mental exhaustion. I feel my heart beat slower, the adrenaline ceasing. The fight has been too long and without a good result, so I open my hands and let the weapons and the tears drop, as in front of You I stand.
You helped me take 10 steps forward, but I hit a brick wall, the same one I hit not too long ago. I’m still too scared to completely let go, scared to walk into the unknown because of what has happened before. “All the memories somehow never leave [me]” (1). Yet I’m growing increasingly exhausted from the illusion of control, tired of trying to decide what comes forth. I was too busy playing dollhouse so I didn’t allow reality to unfold, I didn’t allow nature to take it’s course – didn’t allow it to curve where it should, to stop where it would.
It’s a constant battle: control – let God be God – back to control. I know it’s only hurting me to try to control, yet it gives me the temporary feeling of being at home. Logic says that, if control gave me true safety, I wouldn’t have to keep attempting to control and things would get better instead of worse. This goes for everything. If weight loss gave me true happiness I wouldn’t have to keep trying to loose weight to be happy. Whatever the case is, it’s a losing battle. I’ll never control enough, I’ll never loose enough. Whenever we try to fill our desires without Him, we don’t win.
Knowing this, I am still scared of the knives that might again pierce my heart. I am scared that I will be left on my own, not knowing where to start. When I heard the words “somebody sees you” (1) I completely broke... the tears showed me that I often feel alone and unknown.
At some point I lost the meaning of my suffering, and whenever that happens I’m hopeless. Someone once showed me the equation: suffering – meaning = despair. As time goes on, I see more and more blessings, thanks to my suffering, and the best of them is a deeper relationship with Christ.
Pain is an arrow that has lead me to You time and time again. It is through you that my pain can make me new, and I believe it because I have seen it. I want to know You more and more! “There’s a kind of love that God only knows” (1) and This love will continue to make me whole, as long as I open up the door.
The somebody that sees me is You. You know better, You know more. “[Only You] know what [I’ve] been through” (1) and how much it has hurt because You made my heart, and have been slowly warming it up from the cold. Whatever happens, I will be okay as long as You're the most important in each day.
(1) God Only Knows – King & Country: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q5cPQg3oq-oWARNING: This video contains suicide-related contents. Here is a lyric-only video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rymuIQvJ6t8