Envy is a slower powerful killer
Envy is a killer. A slow but powerful killer.
This might seem like a very bold or over dramatic statement, but I feel this is a vice that we tend to underestimate. I know I definitely did. I constantly caught myself doing the typical comparison game, especially when it came to relationships.
Almost 3 years ago I had written in my prayer journal a list of qualities I was looking for in a future husband. I called it my “Must haves” and “Want to haves” list. When I wrote it I ended it off in a prayer, offering it all to God and decided to leave it there.
Throughout the next months, which eventually lead to years, I became very impatient and naturally I would fall into the comparison spiral. Needless to say, I gave up on my list and forgot all about it. I saw my friends in marriages, getting engaged, in beautiful relationships, and I saw how much their men truly loved them! Every aspect about them, every part of their personality, their good and even their bad habits and quirks.
I wanted to feel joy for them, but I felt myself struggling inside and I didn’t feel genuine inside. My initial thoughts wouldn’t be “I am so incredibly happy for you to see you being loved and treated with respect”, instead they would first jump to “where is the man who will love me like that?! Oh wait…let’s be real, I probably won’t find someone who will love all the crazy parts of me.”
Sounds harsh huh? That’s because it was! I had allowed myself to fall into the hole of envy that it slowly began to kill my joy and my hope. Every time I had the opportunity to be happy for someone, I would be hit by thoughts of sadness and despair, sometimes even anger at God. I lost the feeling of being grateful for what I had because I was so focused on what I didn’t have.
It took a lot of work, prayer, strength from the sacraments and time in order for me to get rid of this killer. Only with the help of God’s grace! Looking back at it now, I realize how much it took away from those moments and from my relationships.
I was reminded of this struggle recently when I was looking through my old prayer journal, and I found that list that I had written all those years ago and completely forgotten. I read it again and I didn’t know if I wanted to cry or smile or just laugh…because all those qualities that I wrote (even the ones that were "want to haves” on my list) were all ones that my fiancé had! All God wanted from me what to stop looking at everyone around me and to simply look at him and trust him!
Envy takes away the joy and beauty of the moment, but it also prevents us from trusting God. Envy always has a lingering feeling of doubt that constantly comes back. A doubt that God will always provide for us.
But let me tell you something ladies…OUR GOD IS STRONGER!
Come back to the moment, and in moments when you feel yourself falling into envy, say a prayer of thanksgiving for that person!
Walking together, Sandra