Do you really know you?
My dear girls,
The last time I saw my spiritual director I told him that I feel my friends don’t really know me, to which he posed the question: “do you really know you?”. I answered “no”.
For many years I was whoever people wanted me to be. I was concerned solely with being accepted by others and so I completely lost myself in my friends, in a boyfriend, in family members, in school. Questions about my music preferences would make me nervous because I didn’t know if I had any. I had no idea what I liked, what I wanted to pursue, what I believed in, what I didn’t believe in. I was like a floating speck blending into everything around me.
Over the past little while I have been discovering who I am, what I like and what I don’t like. It is an amazing feeling to stand for something and actually lovingly defend it. It’s beyond incredible to finally discover my voice, my style, my quirks, my imperfections, my strengths, even my food preferences. I love discovering everything that makes me, me. I love discovering these things in other people – the things that make them, them. It just blows my mind that everyone is so unique, it’s so beautiful!
Yet despite slowly uncovering who I am, I still find it hard to actually be me. I find myself getting overly concerned with what someone may think of me, with potentially making a mistake, with potentially displaying my imperfections, with feeling inferior, with being potentially awkward. I get caught up in who I should be, and lose track of myself. I am scared to be vulnerable, I am scared for others to know the real me so, often, I hide her.
In other words, I have not yet embraced that I am a daughter of a King.
Lord, you’ve created me and your creation couldn't have been made any better in it's perfect imperfection. Help me own the woman you have created, so that she can blossom. Thank you for creating me as you did, and I am sorry for ever questioning your creation. I struggle with self-acceptance because I often forget Who’s I am and I forget Who’s opinion really matters, help me in this struggle. Holy Spirit guide my heart in loving myself so that I can love others. Guide my heart to freedom.
Your daughter, <3